Jan/100
Shit Quotes
Fact: The following quotes are absolutely shit.
“You can take the dog out of the man, but you can’t take the man out of the dog.”
“If you put a cocoon in your pocket, out comes a butterfly. If you put an egg in your pocket, you get a dirty pocket.”
“Stars don’t shine so bright for the blind man.”
“Polar bears are the ghost-version of bears.”
“One in the bucket is two in the shoe.”
Undeniable fact on the internet. True shit.
Jan/100
Nigga VS Nigger
Definition
Nigger means African slave.
Nigga means comrade.
The Problem
When spoken, the words, nigger and nigga sound the same. The problem arises when someone misinterprets the meaning of the words.
Here are some examples to illustrate the problem.
Claudo: “What up, my nigga?”
Elmus: “Who are you calling a nigger?”
Claudo: “I meant nigga in a good way.”
Elmus: “Oh shit. My bad… my bad.”
Sanders: “Pick my cotton, nigga.”
Emerson: “Fuck you, boss.”
Sanders: “I meant N-I-G-G-A.”
Emerson: “Oh sorry, boss. I thought you were calling me a nigger.”
Chun Li: “Fuck you, nigger.”
Balrog: “I ain’t you comrade, bitch.”
Chun Li: “I meant nigger in a bad way.”
Balrog: “Oh. My bad. Fuck you.”
The Solution
Shut the fuck up.
Nov/090
Tuberculosis: Fact Or Fiction
It is said that tuberculosis is a disease.
Tuberculosis is abbreviated as TB. That makes no sense. Why is it abbreviated as TB? There is no reasonable logic behind it. I would have abbreviated it to Tubs or Bercs. TB makes no sense. It’s as if someone imagined a silly disease and then imagined an even more ridiculous abbreviation of the name. The abbreviation is illogical.
Tuberculosis isn’t even real because it came from someone’s imagination. Established from the aforementioned fact is the conclusion that tuberculosis is just an old wives’ tale that is used to scare children. This is logical.
“Drink your milk or you’ll get tuberculosis.”
I don’t know anyone that has tuberculosis. I don’t know anyone, who knows anyone that has tuberculosis. Has any ever even died from tuberculosis? I highly doubt it. People die from cancer and AIDS but you never hear about anyone dying from Tuberculosis.
This is because Tuberculosis is not real.
Jul/091
The Definitive Sex Bases Guide
Back-Story
I was having a few drinks at my friend’s apartment on the weekend. It was about 4AM and we ran out of ice so I quickly went downstairs to get a bag of ice and some munchies.
I was kinda super drunk by that point. I jumped in the elevator with young, black-haired girl (YBHG). I think YBHG was also a bit drunk.
Now this elevator had mirrors on three sides of it so I started talking about how the mirrors were so trippy yet so cool. YBHG agreed and told me that she once went to third base with some dude in that elevator. YBHG continued explaining the method for pulling off this stunt. She pressed the emergency stop button to demonstrate the lack or negative repercussions for performing something so cheeky at that time of night. Then she described how she had her back against the elevator door with knickers to the side, as dude guy slammed the shit out of her, while she watched the multiple reflections in the mirrors. Rad story.
Wait.
“Didn’t you say third base?”
“Yeah, third base is sex.”
Since the elevator, I’ve been discussing the bases with everyone that would bother to talk with me. Through extensive research, I have developed the definitive guide for the classic sex terms of the bases.
New Rules, Old Rules
The definition of the bases change over time; Moving forward, the definitions become more salacious. This is the key idea for defining the sex terms over all periods of time of human existence.
Using mathematics, I have extrapolated from the classic, close-past, and current definitions to create true definitions for all periods of time.
Classic
The idea of the bases comes from the sport of baseball, where the baseball man runs successively to first, second, then third base. Finally, the baseball man runs to the home plate, where he scores. Scoring is good because it gives you points. True fact.
The bases describe how far two people have come sexually in their relationship. It is desirable to score.
The classic definition of the bases describes First Base as kissing; Second Base as groping and titty-sucking; Third Base as oral sex, or touching genitals i.e. handjobs and fingering; and Home is sexual intercourse.
Present
Present day definitions are fucked up but they’re true.
First Base is kissing. Second Base is sucking dick. Third Base is sex. Home is anal sex.
It took me a while to understand this but that’s the true definition set from the minds of the youth of today.
Renaissance Days (1500 AD)
Using the power of mathematics and the idea that definitions become more salacious as time moves forward, it is only logical to define that definitions become less salacious, or more modest, as we travel back in time.
Back in the Renaissance Days of Leonardo Da Vinci, Donatello, Michelangelo, and Raphael, the definition of the bases were quite modest compared to our definitions. This makes complete sense since it was 500 years ago. This is undeniable true fact and only an idiot would argue with that logic.
The bases of the Renaissance Days are as follows:
First Base is holding hands sensually.
Second Base is groping on the outside of the clothes.
Third Base is touching under the tunic, cause they all wore tunics back in those days probably because they were too poor to afford real clothes.
Home is sucking on tits.
Yes, the people of the Renaissance Days were a bunch of weirdos.
The Times Of Jesus (0 AD)
The people of the Time Of Jesus were sexual prudes compared to the slutty standards we have today. They invented things such as chastity and the idea that every sperm is sacred.
The whores that are described in the bible wouldn’t be considered whores today in our western society. They were just women that wore skirts above the knee.
The bases of the Times Of Jesus are as follows:
First Base is winking.
Second Base is holding hands.
Third Base is holding hands (fingers interlocking).
Home is touching the thigh with your hand.
Fucking weird, hey? But it makes sense.
Dinosaur And Cavemen Days (1000 BC)
You’d think that cavemen would be savages, putting their dicks in anything as long as they could bust a nut, but this is so far from the truth. Cavemen were the prudiest of prudes. Even thinking about anything sexual would make them blush. True fact. Go to a museum and see for yourself. It’s all there. All the bones and everything are there for you to look at. The evidence is there if you just put some effort in and do a bit of research.
Luckily for you, dear reader, I have completed all the required research. Here are the bases of the Dinosaur And Cavemen Days:
First Base is fantasizing about hunting and gathering together.
Second Base is sharing food.
Third Base is making eye contact.
Home is touching elbows by accident when eating in a tight enclosed space.
There we have the true definitions of the bases that were being used at the genesis of human existence.
Let’s hop into the DeLorean of our imaginations and accelerate forward through time to the future!
The Robot Years (2300 AD)
300 years from now, things are sluttier.
First Base will be sexual intercourse, with the penis in the vagina.
Second Base will be anal sex.
Third Base will double penetration with one penis in the vagina and another penis in the anus.
Home will be a gangbang with all holes being plugged i.e. Third Base with a penis in the mouth.
Alright, that all makes sense. Everything seems reasonable. If anal sex is Home in the present time then anal sex as Second Base in The Robot Years makes complete sense. You can’t argue with that fact.
The Human Cyborg Era (2500 AD)
By this time, most humans are made up of robotic parts. We yearn for flesh on flesh sex.
First Base will be bukkake, which is a sexual act whereby a chick sits on the floor and has a bunch of Japanese dudes ejaculate on her face.
Second Base will be cyborg socket fucking, which is the removal or a robotic limb and fucking the cavity where the limb joint use to be.
Third Base will be semi-cyborg merging, which is when two robotic parts of the human cyborg and joined in such a way that causes the humans to be constantly fucking.
Home will be full-cyborg merging, which is when you take two human cyborgs and combine them to form one human cyborg. This is usually accomplished when the total sum of the human flesh parts equal less than that of a full human. The merged human cyborg masturbates in front of a mirror.
I find this future to be quite frightening. It all makes sense though, if you think about it.
The Human Re-evolution (3000 AD)
By this time we have overthrown our robot overlords and have developed ways to create body parts, including the brain and penis, allowing us to live forever.
First Base will be rape.
Second Base will be holding hands. While eating the other person’s flesh, and jerking yourself off with the hand that you’re holding.
Third Base will be necrophilic homicide, the act of killing another human and having sex with the corpse.
Home will be ghost poking, which is the sexual act of committing suicide, after being haunted by the ghost of the victim of your necrophilic homicide, and then raping that ghost, while you are in ghost form.
True fact. It’s on the internet. Look it up.
Jul/091
2009 Swine Flu Pandemic
What Is Swine Flu?
Swine Flu is an infection by any swine influenza virus.
How Do I Protect Myself From The Swine Flu?
Wear a surgical mask or respirator in public so people can laugh at you.
Will I Get Swine Flu If I Catch Public Transport?
Yes. You will catch it and probably die from it.
Does Swine Flu Exist?
No. Swine Flu is a made up. It’s not real. There is no such thing as Swine Flu.
Who Made Up Swine Flu?
A bunch of American dudes were having a party on a farm. They ate some mushrooms and started tripping out. They were outside in the fields when they saw a piglet trot towards them. One of the guys said that the piglet looked like it had a cold. The piglet would trot around with its runny nose. It would stop to sneeze. As it sneezed, its curly tail would extend and retract. This idea amused them.
The next day the duders told everyone about Swine Flu. Then the idea of a Swine Flu pandemic started.
Why Do Some People Think That They Have Swine Flu?
Because they’re fucking idiots. It’s a fucking cold. Get over it. Stop being a fucking sooky crybaby.
What Infections Is Swine Flu Often Compared To?
Cooties and the Y2K bug.
Is The Swine Flu A Myth?
Yes. The Swine Flu is a MYTH. Confirmed!
Jul/090
Koala Bears Are Real
Meeting The Koala Bear
I went to a really cool zoo in Australia. They had a koala bear enclosure, where you could pay $30 to enter and hold a koala bear.
Being a lover of cuddly bears, I paid the $30 and went in to pat the bears.
The enclosure was basically an open area with a roof and fake trees. The fake trees had branches from real trees stuck to them. The koala bears would sit in the fake trees and do nothing. I think it was because they’re too fat and lazy.
The ranger-looking lady picked up a bear and gave it to me to hold. I held the soft creature, while my zoo partner snapped some photos.
The koala was so cute. I gave it a leaf and it ate it. It quickly became my favorite bear, knocking the panda bear out of the top spot.
As I fed the koala bear, I commented, “This is now my favorite bear,” to which the ranger lady told me that it actually not a bear but a marsupial. I asked her what the fuck she was on about and she made up some crap about pouches.
What the fuck does that have to do with the koala being a bear? It’s called a koala BEAR. What a stupid bitch!
I called her a stupid bitch and then we started arguing. She told me to stop moving around so much or the koala would become scared. She went to grab the koala bear off me, which made it jump out of my arms and fall to the ground. It then ran away on all fours like a bear.
After they kicked us out of the zoo, I went on the internet to research the koala.
What I Have Found Out About The Koala
On the internet there’s a lot of confused people; They don’t know if it’s a bear or not. Basically, the koala is a bear.
The True Facts
Like most bears, the koala has two legs and two arms. It runs on all fours. I saw that in real-life! Its ears are shaped like bear ears. It has a bear nose. It looks soft and cuddly, like a real bear. It is also fat. All bears are fat. Not all marsupials are fat e.g. the kangaroo. The kangaroo is not a bear. The koala is a bear. FACT.
That’s logic. True FACT.